5 WAYS TO DEAL WITH ANGRY PEOPLE.
Stay calm, stay safe, and don’t make it worse.
Most of my work looks at how we can understand and manage our own experiences with anger. There’s another side to this since we all have to talk to, or work with, angry people all the time. Those interactions can be challenging — so here are five ways to deal with angry people. First, though, a caveat: People experience and express their anger in many different ways. Some internalize by pouting or withdrawing. Some yell, scream, swear, or insult others. The way to respond to different anger expressions will differ. I’m writing about ways to deal with verbally aggressive, insulting, or even threatening people for this post.
1. Ask Yourself if the Anger Is Justified
Sometimes anger is perfectly reasonable, and it is always emotionally wise to consider the feelings of others during an interaction. You should ask yourself why the person is angry, what role you may have played, and anything you can or should do to resolve the situation. It’s important to note that a person can be justifiably angry yet unjustifiably express that anger. In other words, if I spill a drink on someone at a party, it makes perfect sense that they would be angry with me. What would be unjustified and unacceptable is if they expressed that anger by yelling at me, swearing at me, or becoming physically aggressive. That response is perfectly justified. I tease these two things apart because we can address our own mistakes even if someone responds in an unnecessarily cruel or insulting way. If I spill a drink on someone and yell at me in response, I can still apologize and offer to buy them a drink to make up for my error. I can tell them I don’t appreciate their yelling at me, but I’m still sorry for spilling on them.
2. Stay Calm (at Least on the Outside)
One of the most important things we can do when someone is angry is to stay calm. By that, I mean to avoid yelling, swearing, or raising our voices. We may not feel relaxed in the situation, but we can still act calmly. Speaking slowly and directly and keeping our agent calm and soft, we’re less likely to exacerbate a problem. People tend to match each other’s volumes, pace, and general tone. Instead of meeting the angry person where they are — and escalating the situation — try to de-escalate the situation by subtly encouraging them to lower their voices.
3. Avoid Character Assaults
A guaranteed way to escalate an angry situation is to attack the other person’s character. Insulting them or even saying things like “You always do this” is likely to worsen things. Instead, focus on specific behaviors or feelings at the moment. Instead of saying, “You always yell at me when you’re angry,” say, “Please don’t yell at me.” Instead of saying, “You’re so impatient,” say, “Can you please be patient with me.” Those may seem like subtle differences, but you don’t want the person to feel attacked, as it will make them even more likely to lash out. It’s entirely possible, maybe even likely, that the person is too impatient. If this is someone you are in a relationship with, you probably want to talk with them about that impatience at some point. However, the middle of an angry exchange isn’t the best time for that conversation.
4. Know When to Disengage
In any exchange with an overly angry person, there may come the point when you need to disengage from the situation. There are many reasons why this might be the intelligent thing to do: To stay safe, for one (see below), but also, and more commonly because the situation is such that there is unlikely to be any positive resolution. The person may be so angry that a healthy, reasonable conversation can’t be had at the time. If that’s what is going on, the best thing to do might be to say, “Let’s talk about this later when we’re calm,” and move on. Or, if it’s a stranger, you’ll never see again, say, “I’m sorry for my part in this,” and walk away.
5. Stay Safe
Finally, but fundamentally, when dealing with an angry person, you’ve got to make sure you’re safe. People can be angry without being physically aggressive, of course. An angry person is not necessarily a violent person; far from it. However, we need to be aware that when people are mad, they can feel the urge to lash out, sometimes physically. If you don’t feel safe, get away from the person. Period. If you absolutely must interact with someone you feel threatened by, make sure you aren’t alone with the individual, and enter the situation with a plan to get yourself out safely should it come to that?
If you want to learn more or want your staff to know, visit us at icatrainingacademy.com. Thank you.
